Time dances whirling past, I gaze through the looking glass, And feel just beyond my grasp is heaven...

Some things you really can't have a chance to take in your own control, I'm a control freak. When I get cranky, it doesn't happen so often anymore, I'm not so funny to deal with... I like having control over things, but when I get caught in a moment of something we call a slightly mania and dissaociation (I think I got that today), I don't remember a thing that has past by the last hours, it's too much for my brain to manage so I go to my own comfort level of consciousness and are just floating by, I really don't know. As it happened today it didn't get as high that would make people notice me - and it happened when I was shopping. I think as I said too much was going through my mind at that time. But I'll always manage. My brain fucks with me, no I don't feel down, just a little bit confused and irritated. I need to bee in a dark room with no light right now, to be calm.


Yeah I bought a new skirt and two dresses. As soon as I have the time and the energy to post them here, I'll do that. You all know me, that's never gonna happen! Haha! But I do love 'em!

Beyond Retro = Love!


xo xo
Ciao!

Let it will be, won't you just let it be?

I would do anything to have a normal life, not the one that I live. Although it is quite pleasant to live nowadays, it has never in my life been easy, that's a fact my darlings. Nothing may ever be complete for me, I get bored then - nor can it be that I want it to be bored, you see I don't control everything in my brain, if I did, I wouldn't be writing this right now. My head hurts - for real and I can't take any aspirin for it, though it might hurt my body in a long term. Oh fucking someone why can't I be normal, or at least have the capability to be as normal as is gets, normal seems fine now, normal is not bad. I just want to live a fucking life, that not tries to kill me, every single week.


Despite my anxiety, that I belive none of you have - if it's roomtemperatured and goes with that redwine and you know that you are not in fact going to die - please leave, cause you have no right whatsoever to proclaim that you have it. Guess what, you're one of the lucky bastards who got away or should I call it what it is - you are normal.


Now I'm going to enjoy my new shoes, my "new" season of House M.D and look at pretty things... None of the above was directed to anyone, I just had to throw some things up.
It will all go away soon.

I'm in love with these shoes, I'm wearing them right now, it's pure love!

xo xo
Ciao!

Art = Provocativity?

I feel deeply uncomfortable right now, I don't know what the hell it is. My head aches, my stomach aches and I just feel disconnected from everything, maybe cause I've been sick the last two weeks, we can concentrate on that for now I think. If it hasn't passed away next week, then we can start wondering if everything is alright, I hope so. I don't like being ill. I really hate it, not so nice. It would be comforting to talk to someone right now. Not about deep stuff just complain about how ill my body feels. My whole body aches and I don't have a clue what to do about it.


I want to talk about a thing with you, a thing that buggs the hell out of me. A girl here in Sweden called Anna Odell (Oh, if anyone think it's a problem with writing her name it's not), she goes to a school here called Konstfack - a well respected school if I may say so. But the thing she does as her last piece before she graduate is something slightly more disturbing in my eyes. You don't play with psychological things, just to call it art. You can't simulate a psychosis in order to get into a psychiatric hospital to see how it works there. It's not hard to be provocative neither is it art anymore. It's not art for me when a sane young woman needs to be this provocative to start, I don't know what. Does anyone know for sure? I know for sure that she's mocking each and everyone whos' ever been there, for real. She's for sure mocking me, cause if she just simulating a psychosis and I am not, and she is taken for real and I'm just left behind. Who the hell wins? Is she now going to beginn a mistrust to anyone who has a depression (yes a real one, not the one "I've been dumped") or a Bipolar disorder, Borderline, Schizophrenia, or any personality disorder or any disorder that's related to this. Should I not be trusted for the things I feel and think because the doctors now can label the simulators too? You do not ever want another person to feel that anxiety or the feeling of depression and the world on your shoulders. Not even your worst enemy. She has not a clue of what she's started...

xo xo
Ciao!