I'm out of words, maybe they'll come back later when I feel like sharing with all of you... Maybe not. I think 'til then I'll give you something nice to look at and smile :) Maybe I'm not out of words, I just can't find the right ones. Hopefully I will.
Kattaca is always the most creative and wonderful artist that they are!
I'm in need of new shoes, since I saw some of the designs my favorite site has put up! I would die to wear these shoes during this autumn, and winter of course! So nice things, yummy! So clean, and sophisticated!
These shoes are just perfect, can you ask for anything more? Love, love, love!
The not so unfamiliar feeling is over me again, I can't seem to get it away. It's gonna be like this for a week perhaps, but do I hate it or not? I find myself already accepting this, and maybe that's why I don't dig my whole in the ground. Sometimes life isn't easy, the funny thing is that I don't have anything to feel bad about, I don't have anything to blame myself for, yet I do. I'm not comfortable writing these words, so I'll stop. All you need to know is that I'll be fine. But it's autumn, that explains some things.
All I keep telling myself is that the show must go on, and it will.
I'm so out of it, I don't want anything or anyone near me. Just close my eyes and not be in here, it's down, down, down, and yet I stay with my head over the water, stoping myself from drowning in emotions, but you know what? I've learned that if I accept the emotions, let them be, they'll go away. So that's what I'm gonna do. But right now, I'm not even gonna say it. It's autumn, the weather is turning me upside down, and yes, this is my life.
Today is one of the worst days ever, as I've said earlier this week, my body aches so much I'd like to chop of everything in me. I hate this feeling, and it's just getting worse, it screams like someone has beaten it up really bad, but it's my body itself that's beaten itself. I hate it, and yes today is a day when I really like to smash it into piecies. You can beat the hell out of me, I wouldn't feel that.
Anyhow, yesterday I went out to get some clothes from a designer, which we'll be shooting this coming october, lovely stuff I have to tell you that! I won't give you any details yet, but all I can say is that it's all about graphical, colorful and crazy things.
Is being nostalgic good, or is it bad? I think sometimes it cross roads with eachother, one time it's good, the next, not so very good. But today I say some of my childhood cartoons, Starwberry Shortcake, she's quite changed since I was a kid, but she's so cute that I melt. Oh, my! Well anyway I really likes fairytales, always have - always will. That's funny that these things is stuck in your mind, ever since you were a child.
I want all of you to look at the whole Alice In Wonderland series by Annie Leibovitz, lovingly! From beginning to end! I just can't seem to get enough! And yes, take a look, some amazing designers are in there!
Today I called a dietist, although I only got the message that I have to call on monday, she's not back yet. I really have to change everything in my life, I'm in need of a change. I need to be healthier and stop having the urge to saw myself apart, cause the pain my friends is not in some particullary friendly type of friend. It is now killing my body, slowly and very exhausting, cause when I have aches like this, it's hard to be nice, but I'm used to it, so it just to bite hard and keep your mouth shut, cause nobody likes when people complain.
Today I'm meeting my lovely friend Karin and we're going to eat some food and discuss everything, thank you that she is one hell of a girl that always makes me smile. So I'm cheering for that. Loovely! Can't wait.
I know everything will work out, I have a huge amount off support from my parents and they'll back me up when I need it and when I don't... I don't think I can thank them enough, I love them even though we have some issues over things, sometimes, but that's how it should be. Anyway, I'm slightly getting there, not afraid of the fact that sometimes things falls down, well then you get back up and do it again. How else would you do? You're a humanbeing, and you might fall and when you fall you get back up again. That's life - and one thing is for sure, I wouldn't want to miss a second of it.
I saw an absolute amazing video from Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye (yeah, you read it right), the new single is called Run This Town and I loove the clothes, the setdesign, how they've thought about doing something new yet something that is always a topic. Or at least from my point of view. I fell in love, both in the song (oh, yes!) and the video and the clothes, sometimes I wish I had so much money it would be ridicolous, but I don't... Money is good, money is still power, money can buy things, but it doesn't come cheap for most of us. But having money eases out a lot of things.
Often when I say I'm done, I usually are. Sometimes not, but when things start to bore me out, I'm gone. Maybe that's why I'm so interested in fashion, never the same, always new, all around the year. Of course I don't like everything with fashion, but it's a passion I've taken with me since I was a child and saw all the brilliant colors, and now it's evolved into things I can't really belive, but sometimes you have that gut feeling, and mine's been with me since I was a child. This isn't something I've learned by reading in books, somethings yes, but not the creativity around the creations I've done. I love it, so even if I may say that I'm done here, I can never be, cause there's no limit to imagination or living in my wonderland, that now is filled up with extravagant and loving things.
Busy, busy, busy, lots of things is on the move, I'm taking baby steps into a world that I know I belong in, no one else. I have known that since I became aware of what clothes and colors are, known that I will work with it. Some times I wanted to be a designer, now it's a stylist I want to be, dress people up or down. Be on the cutting edge fashionshows and do it my way, not anyone elses. So let's see what the future has installed for me, I'm just hoping something good.
Today I'm just going to relax, maybe eat some oreos and drink some lemonade, we'll see. Things happen here, and I really want to keep myself on the ground. And yeah, I'm slowly getting started. So see you when everything is back to normal, it won't be normal until winter, anyhow, have a little patience.
And yeah I'm playing Mahjong, it's quite tricky I'll tell you! But it's calming me down.
I've slowly begun to understand that I really need to work on my body, not only do I feel better in both body and soul, it has a huge impact on my muscles and all the nerves that twitch around my body. Do I like it? No, I really don't. My pain is constant, not stoping for a second and bringing me down to my knees in agony, cause I have myself to blaim. I put on some extra pounds and I am the one that has to loose them. Not my mother, anyone around me. So now I've slowly started, I'm going back not only because I feel better - my f'ing body doesn't give me aches in this amount then.
I now have a pilatesball and a balancingboard, so here we go!
I just fell for the most beautiful shoes I've seen in quite some time... And as everyone know (including me) is that when I get enough money to buy the I will. Not exactly those but I'm going to have some sort of likness in mine... Natacha proves all over again why she is my shoe godess!
I do love to dance, maybe I should begin dancing? Or something? I know I have to train myself up... My f'ing body hurts to damn much, it's just aching, nothing else. Do I hate it? Yes. Does it slowly kill me? Yes. My body screams after something, not food but loosing some weight... So my penalty crime is that I have destroyed my body.
But right now I feel happy in my mind - not the body.
I'm a rollercoaster, in one second I'm up next moment I'm down, where the hell is this coming from? I can't really handle it, it just brings confusion and troubles. I'm numb in some ways, and again I'm going through this alone - this is school for me. I'm reading what my mind tells me and take notes. I think nobody really understands the hell you are in when you have this, 'til you're standing there with it. It's like standing still, wanting to leave and at the same time not. I'm a storm in a teacup, and guess what, I know it will get a little bit worse now that it's the beginning of the autumn, like always, but it gets clearer. So please excuse me while I'm in this mood. Cause I can't control it, but none the less, it's easier this time, than last. So keep your fingers crossed, cause that's what I'm doing.
I'm in shock, totally in shock. I found a blog today where you could see shoes from a company... The shoes are a replica of my favorite queen of making shoes, Natacha Marro. The one I'd never buy a replica from, not even if it would look good. Why? Cause I truly admire her work. There was tons of her shoes, all I could think was Oh no, not again. Are we so completley non creative that we settle for other peoples designs? And yes of course was Louboution there to, what else?
The original from Natacha, I love them, and I have a pair in white and one in burgundy! <3
The burlesque from Pleaser, aren't they just the same? No, no leather.
The original and best, can you beat him?
The Teeze burlesque Louboutin shoes from Pleaser...
I have nothing to say or wanting to say to anyone right now. Except that I'm meeting my wonderful Anna this friday, how lovely isn't that? But some things are bothering me, don't really know, maybe it's because it's soon autumn and I don't like that. Not at all.
I've tried skype for the first time for a few seconds today, and dear my, WHY haven't I've used this wonderful thing before? I think a lot of you already use it, so it dosen't need an introdution - anyhow it's really good and so easy!
Oh, I need new clothes, and shoes, no not shoes, but a purple or burgundy velvet dress would be perfect. I'm going to wear color but dark ones as I've said before. And lace... Some gothromantic things maybe? We'll see...And guess what I'm gonna sit by my baby again and make my own things... Oh I've already got a perfect suit for this fall to come.
Yesterday I talked very much with one of my dearest & nearest friends of all time, Malin. I realize now that it's going to be hard without clichées.I don't have any words for this woman, cause she isn't a girl anymore, neither am I, I'm speechless. We talked about those past years, and it feels like light years ago... It's not the present, it's beyond past. We talked about stuff that matters and those that don't. I got to thinking then, what's real friendship, is it when you can call up someone, can smile at the past and yet still talk about it, is it when you've been through a up-side-down hellride and the person is still standing beside you? When you've had wonderful times. Cause if that's real friendship, then what we have is friendship, real true, unique friendship.
This is taken some years back, and yes we've laughed and cried.
And down the rabbit hole I went, just further down... I do wonder if I'm gonna come to wonderland or maybe to Neverland, cause right about this time I need to escape myself and the thoughts in my head. It's gone tomorrow... I didn't expect this.
Yesterday was fab! You can never be wrong in the company of these lovely ladies, named Elva, Lisa and Nina. It was a smash and I took my first step into a world I've refused to be in until now. I've been at one club before called Teatron in 2007, but that's way back and not like Café Opera... But I do adore the ladies I were with and I couldn't have asked for anything else. Today I'm on mute... - but happy.
Tonight it's partytime with Elva, lovely! Even though I haven't slept really well, and I slightly disturbed at the moment, I know everything will get better, I just have to get my aches out of my body and relax for some time... Better start looking for an outfit! I hate that!
And yes, the biggest thing on my mind right about now, is that I want passion in sex, like real passion nothing else... Give it to me, please! Like the one that are gone, there are no passion anymore...
Fashion, fashion, fashion is all about taking chances, I'm going to do something that is maybe a little bit too scary for me, but to hell with my fear, if I'm gonna go somewhere in this world, you better belive that I'll aim for the stars, nothing else. I have to do this. In fashion you're in and you're out, well sometimes that isn't true... Some things are always in, like the little black dress for instance, you can always have a well tailored suit, a perfect bag from Hermès or maybe the thing you might like on yourself. So am I going to go hunting for the stars or will the stars come to me? The stars won't come to me, I have to hunt them, and I will. Nothing in life worth having is cheap. Why do they say that the best things in life is free? Cause it's a struggle just to get there... But maybe it's the fight we must have...
I don't know what's have changed in me, maybe I'm just moving on, taking babysteps into a life I want to live? Or is it so that the ones that once was there are not anymore, in that way that I dom't need them - am I letting myself go for the first time? Or am I letting them go, without really caring about what happens? None the less it doesn't bother me. I've always talked about letting friendship go, maybe I've opened my eyes a little bit and seeing that I've already left, but also the fact that I'm ready, for something new and not the old, am I for sure moving on? I live and that's what I've wanted for all my life, so I've achieved the thing I craved the most, all other things seem like nothing, but life, it's not hard anymore. I love it.
How bad does hard selfdicipline sound in your ears, does it hurt or do you like it? I like it, when you do it to yourself and not to anyone else, except those who wants to have that selfdicipline. I just know that I have to take control, no one is going to do that for you and yes it's just the begining and are there such a thing as an ending? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I just keep my self on a restrained order in my life now, I have to have the control I'm seeking. Maybe that makes me a perfectionist, but that starts showing in more parts than just the things I style. I think I'm evolving and I don't feel bad. I'm not going to stop 'til I've gotten enough, and not even then... I need perfection in my wonderful chaos around me...
I got to think yesterday when me and my friend Daniel talked, about what life takes us through, what happens and what makes us change. It's very interesting how I suddenly wakes up and for the first time since I was born don't have trouble smiling or making anything than just look at small troubles that've always bothered me before, and now they don't seem to. I stand in a place where everything is new, nothing is as it was. Life is about changing and making yourself move forward to become complete, none can ever be complete but you can strive for perfection in your mind. And to be honest this is scary cause even if you pick up things very fast, you really don't have all the control yet, I'm working on it - but somewhere in my mind I wish I still was that bitter, angry and sad woman I used to be, even though I know I do not want that life ever again. That's the familliar part of me, but this is something to look forward to, I know that, cause I'm alive - and what had happen if I hadn't had the chance to experience this?
This was the highlight of the show, it's amazing fantastic brilliant... I'm numb, no-fucking-one does it like Madonna, I've seen some stuff from Britney and I've seen Lady GaGa live (she can her thing to), but none is close to this... There is only one and can only be one. She is the Queen and maybe some of you thinks she's overrated, I can just disagree with you.
... life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone, and it feels like home...
It just rains and rains... It's boring the hell out of me, but happily I'm gonna meet up with a friend this loomed tuesday so perhaps it gets better. From my point of view anyhow. But rain can sometimes be really good can't it?
Oh, I'm looking for the right outfits to combine my autumn/winter wardrobe, and I haven't really got it from my sight here, it's always safe to go with black, but perhaps some velvet dress in dark purple and no, I'm not hopping on the thigh-high boots trend, I love it, but I do not have the legs, but knee-high is always a trademark for me, so my favorite boots is coming to use this autumn as well, that's really good! But my bets are on velvet, lace and leather in colors in a little bit darker edge of the scale, nothing really vibrant, I get the feeling of some sort of decadance looking at the clothes that arrives...
And yeah, I'm really gonna get my body fit, I'm inspired by Madonna!
I'm home, excited and in need of more. I am left numb for what I've had before me... Of course it wasn't pure singing all the time, but hell did she put on a show, so all I have to say is that I never will forget this incredible woman, she's one of a kind and just the QUEEN of POP! She had my euphorical and the energy she sends out trancendens into something I can not explain. I don't have anymore words... I'm left without them all I can say is that it feels like home and that life is a mystery...
Today I'm going down to Gothenburg again, fun fun fun! I am in fact going to see Madonna, and that is probably one of the biggest things that ever happend to me, in my musical life. She's coming and I'm hoping for sun! And from what I've heard, she is going to play my favorite song!
Soo see you all on monday and I hope you have a wonderful weekend I will.
Even though I'm not moving yet, I am currently looking for things that would fit me, of course the first thing in my mind is the egg chair, by Eero Aarino and I know that I really want it cause I've wanted it since I saw it the first time, I think I was 9 years back then... So there's never been any doubt from my point of view of having it. And I want one from the 60ties, I'm crazy I know... But it feels more, authentic then. And I have hard time deciding in what suits me. I'm to ambivalent in my taste. We'll see what happens...
I'm currently hating my aches in my body and are so freaking happy about seeing Madonna on saturday that I don't know what I'm gonna do... And yes, I'm meeting Anna in about just two weeks, how lovely won't that be? She is a heroine for me. Always makes me smile and make me comfortable. So seeing her again may be the best thing this summer, sorry to everybody else, but when you haven't seen a person for a very long time you get very excited about meeting them, in my case, overwelmed. But this weekend it's Gothenburg (again) and Madonna that's in my head, if I get to hear my favorite song, I think I will melt and never exsist again, but hey I can at least say that I saw her.
And yeah, I can't find a single thing in the stores right know... This is not my favorite seasone, but black always work, so why not? And yeah, you may hate me now, but I'd love to have a fur...
Today I've just relaxed, spent time with a friend and then with my mother, we walked quite a bit. Stockholm is a really nice when it is summer, I'm in love all over again. And that's how it's always is. In all other cases with me, I'm a litte bit confused... Why? Anyway, now I'm going to chitchat over the phone with one of the best girls in the world, my Anna!
Today I'm going to cut my hair, oh dear! I'm definitively not cutting everything off, I'm just saying, but I need a change, not a big one, but a change. I don't know really... What should I do? I want to be able to do different things, and not just have the same thing all the time. Hm, I think I shall consider everything now... Let's see. Maybe I'll upload some shit when it's done.
I love Reese in this style, maybe something like this?
Here's a photo from the westcoast last week when we'd arrived and standing and looking out on the ocean! It's was a bit windy, but I love it there, I did even take a bath, and I do not take baths on the westcoast, I'm too afraid of the jellyfishes! Brr...
Yesterday was so fun, Lady Gaga really knows how to put on a show, and 20 000 people was there... And the outfits, they are marvelous and that she acctually can sing plays a big part in this. I just can't get enough of her, she is fun to watch and she is a big teaser for everyone!
All I can say is that I had lots of fun, and now it's only a matter of days and then I'm going to see Madonna, how freaking fantastic won't that be? I'll bet that it will be a smash!
In about a few hours I will be get going into town, to an amusement park, where I am going to see Lady GaGa. I'll bet you all that it will be fun, and I'm really looking forward to see what she's going to wear, haha! I love almost all her things she wears, she's crazy! I have tons of pictures to upload from my camera so it will be in nice shape.
Now I'm back again from the westcoast, it was lovely there although it was almost storm some days. So I was totally of base, none the less, it was very fun too see U2, and even if I'm not in the happiest mood right now, it will fall into pieces, I know so. Why, just because it's how I work. But was it all worth it, of course it was! Me likey!