Nothing new, nothing old, but not the same.

I don't know, I really don't. I don't have it concrete infront of me, neither do I know if I want it or not. Maybe these thoughts are best hidden, where no one but me could find them. So we'll have it like that. The outside of me, is fine. But nothing more than fine. I want the snow to melt, or at least the wind stop blowin'. I just want a moment of me - where there's no doubts, no second questioning, but still the feeling of having a way out. Nothing more than me, in a bubble. Like Ray Caesar paintings now...

Dark hidden love

/Anna

Show me completeness and show me love.

No words can express what I'm feeling right now, no words are neccesary for me to have an urge to tell you, it's closing time, but I'm in total control. I will search for completeness, but I'm not running I'm walking there, cause it won't go anywhere - I will never reach the fullest of it cause it can't happen, that is life.


I want to be in love, I've never knew the feeling, just the happy thing inside, but never love. How do you know when it's love and when it's not? Do you have an endless searching for that? I think it will begin with you have yourself only to rely on, I have that and love it will come, won't it? As the same is for style, style never goes out of style - fashion do, likewise with love, love will never go out of style, but the object for your love will change and that my friends just makes me smile.


Xx
/Anna

Only the Beginning of the Adventure!

I can't eat proper meals just yet, but I'm coming... Slowly. It's like my stomache sais no, bigtime, I don't know how else I would cope with this... I just eat what I can, and don't bother... You have to do the best for you, nothing else. If this means me feeling better the next week, it's all worth it, cause next week I'll be gone. If I'm nuts for going, oh, yes of course. But will it be fun? Absolutely!

It's like I've been locked inside a chest and are finially ready to breath and to feel secure in my own footsteps, I think the big challenge I was up against is now gone, I breath, feel and live with all of me. Nothing is numb, or packed away in boxes or trunks. It's not you and me anymore, it's me. And if that makes me the most selfish and selfabsorbed person here, well people, deal with me or leave me be. I'm beinning the adventure of my life, and I'm certain that it won't be boring, grey or numb or anything less than colorful, wonderful, vivid, magical, and absolutely faboulos.


Xx
/Anna

But you don't really care for music, do you?

Why do I have a conscience at all? I will never go back to were I begun, I'm so aware now about to much, I'm aware of life, I'm aware of that I still have time to be alive, so why do I have a conscience for feeling this? It's as simple as this: I feel ashamed of myself when I look at what I have, complaining about it and later see that other people don't have this life at all. Makes you think twice again won't it? If it don't then you should take a look at yourself. Life is pretty simple, yet complex when you begin to dig into it. I just wonder is everybody equals? And I'll never apologize for myself again, but that doesn't mean I don't have a mind...

This would be my life in colors, vivid, instant, bipolar and always happening.


I want lots of creativity and things in my brain right now... So I'll post some things here and hope you'll like it!



Photograph: Paco Peregrín
Stylist: Kattaca

Xx
/Anna

Won't you let it be, You got to let it be, Anyone can see... Just watch me burn!

Soon I'm off, not in a very good mood, I don't know? Backuped in a corner, really not knowing what to do today, yesterday was better, but I bursted out and were pouring out all the shit that I can't handle. So maybe I'm writing this to make myself feel a little bit better, not having to think about it all the time. All I want is to be a little fucking ordinary in my head sometimes, seeing things clearly, but sorry people, I won't be that. I will not be that and I don't want that either. I want the cake and eat it and still have it by me. The ones that are offended by me, when I'm like this, don't be that. These are confessions, maybe one day I will write down my really personal confessions, but not right now. Just let it be, can't you just let it be? Cause I can tell you that I'm going to do that and don't let the lights turn down, not yet even if they eventually do that.
I'm as confused as Alice is in the teaparty!


Now I'm off to choose a dress, because it's a dress I need!

I know it has to be flowers and prints on it, because I want it!

Xx
/Anna

Never use your heart, use your head, Nobody's on noboby's side...

I got around to really think today, about my lovelife, my feelings towards others and of course the usual, my ups and downs. I'm very conflicted to them, they are somewhat in the way when I am totally drained of everything or very upwards in a way that any normal, well then who is actually normal, humanbeing has. I've got a conflicted heart regarding a lot of things. I can argue both sides alot of times, but usually my more rationalized side wins, back in my teens all my life was either black or white, nothing else and letting my emotions control everything that went through my head. I would never want to go back to a life like that, yet I stay on both sides in matter when it regards my lovelife. But sometimes you just got to let the thing in your heart decide, and not to argue against it. Who am I fighting for? And why am I even fighting? Why can't I be satisfied with being like this, why am I always thinking that it is worth fighting for something more than it can be? So in matters of speaking, when do you realize that it isn't necessarily always better on the other side?


xo xo
Ciao!

She's been everybody else's girl, Maybe one day she'll be her own, Everybody else's girl, Maybe one day she'll be her own...

In times of need, we reach out and grab the first thing that comes our way. Not always good things, but things in a point of view that help us get by when we're in need of that in particular. I need someone that is willing to let me fall and is not going to be afraid of it. I don't know why I'm even thinking about stuff like this, but somehow I do it right now, I think I need to ventilate my thoughts somewhere were I just can write about it, but not talk about. I do not want to talk about this. What I need is to go shopping, or make myself a new dress. Lovely!


I'm listening to soothing music in my ears, just instrumental, nothing else, very melodic and yes a little bit, hm, what should you say, low-key? But I love it. I found this picture and fell in love it. Setting fire to one of the worlds greatest instruments.


xo xo
Ciao!

I still believe in summer days, The seasons always change and life will find a way...

I don't have anything I would like to share with anyone today, I'm perfectly fine, with everything that happens around me. I'm calm, maybe a little bit to calm? Can you be that? I am really enjoying life and what it brings. Something's happened. I'm gonna give you a nice picture to watch and then go back to maybe read a book?


xo xo
Ciao!

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned, I know it sounds absurd, but please tell me who I am, Who I am?

I've slept for about twelve hours tonight, well worth it, if I say so. I'm not so tired right now, at least that I know about. Listening to Supertramp, taking things as it is and longing for a lot of my friends. Summer is on the way and everything is fine. I can't belive I'm accutally saying this, but everything that's used to bother me, is gone. I can't put it in words, they are unnecessary - I don't have the feeling of needing it.


I'm thinking of doing some new dresses and find some clothes combinations that I must use and wear. We'll see what happens.

I need a maxi dress, this is from Guccis Resort Colletion, I loove it! But I'm making my own.

This dress, is something I already have, but now I'm going to wear it in other ways...

xo xo
Ciao!

You only see what your eyes want to see, How can life be what you want it to be, You're frozen, When your heart's not open...

I'm just loosing control over all the things that keeps happening around me. But I don't feel down or anything, it's just empty in my head. Don't even know what I am going to write about...
I'll give you a song that I really like - that I keeps listening to.



It describe me just at this moment.

xo xo
Ciao!

There's no greater power than the power of good-bye.

I've been left with words I cannot put in form, neither can I tell anyone of you what has happened, it's a private thing, I'm not going to kiss and tell. But I am truly sorry for the way everything turned out - but I think this was for the best. I'm moving on, so does all the people around me. You have to always keep moving in the direction the wind takes you, you have to carry your own burden, no one elses, I can't carry yours and you can't carry mine. But that doesn't mean I'm happy today. Someday thing's will look different, I won't say anything...

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

xo xo
Ciao!

Put your hand on my shoulder baby, Things can't get any worse, Night is getting colder sometimes, Life feels like it's a curse...

Sorry about this, but I have to tell you about last night. The day was amazing, I was feeling just fine and I was as happy as I could be, after spending time with Elva and her trooper to son Alpha you can't be anything else than happy, if I say so. So unbelivable wonderful. I do really enjoy her. So thanks for a exciting day and yes, we're going to find the perfect dress for you, I'll bet you on that!

This is a dress I've had my eyes on for some time, I love flower patterns!

Then I came home (I was suppose to be going out with friends) but I collapsed, I just crawled up in the sofa and cried my heart out. It was real anxiety and I was on the verge to do anything to make it stop and for sure a bloody mess would've come out of it, but my father calmed me down, I do love him. My head just broke down and it made me so sad, cause I looked forward to meeting my lovely Anna, so now it's as good as settled for me to go down south, hopefully with my brother when he's going. So soon I'm going down to Malmö and getting away from everything up here. I'm still shaken by everything that came over me last night, all the emotions and stuff I don't want to talk about. My head is a big confused thing right now. Don't know where to start nor when to end.


Now I'm gonna drink a cup tea and look at some Disney movie. I do need it. Maybe Snow White, Beauty and The Beast, Cinderella, Alice In Wonderland or The Little Mermaid? Something to make me go away into something that's not here. I need my escape now.

This amazing photo is taken by Annie Leibovitz for Disney and the model is Julianne Moore!

xo xo
Ciao!

Faster kills faster, kills pussycat...

I can't belive my eyes when I see what I write about and what I don't even want to write about anymore. A lot of times I've used this blog as a loading central, where I can ventilate all my feelings, everything that bothers me and to be just an emotional slut. Nothing else. I wonder what's really happened to me the last couple of weeks, maybe we can call it months (but for my part that's a little bit too early). I was broken, I still am, but somehow I seem to not be concentrating at those things in particular anymore. I know I've dealt with tons of stuff in here but one thing is for sure, I don't write about it. I will write about it again, but not today.


I wish for real that my tooth would stop aching, it's disturbing, in a way I really don't like. I have to use this discusting thing in my mouth two times a day, so that my tooth is going to be alright, it isn't a sickness, it's my wisdomteeth that grows way to slow for me.
Ohh, I need to go shopping and to buy some new things, but I don't know exactly what right now, we'll see...



xo xo
Ciao!

Beauty queens come so clean and go so dirty!

Sorry to throw my guts out on you, but I am so f'ing annoyed right now, so annoyed, that you wouldn't want to sit next to me. I'm a ticking bomb and I have no one to ventilate with. I do feel a bit alone right at this moment - maybe perhaps that the fact that I really don't belive in people around me, not all of you, but some of my really close aquaintances, I feel it annoying that I feel like this. I'm not a person who will do harsh things, I've done them already. Now I'm really thinking it through - and the conclusion I'm coming to, is, that I don't have a single clue on why I should keep these people in my life. No I'm not gonna tell you who it is, they'll figure...


To funnier things, I found a wonderful series of pictures from London FW, a photosession. I really liked it. I have to find inspiration for a photosession we're about to do. Some things have to be in order and I probably have to go through my entire closet, but that's fine for me. I always find things that I do not expect to be there, so I'm pretty happy when I realise that I have something I didn't even know about. Of course I knew it when I bought it, but then it has it's place in there and I never take it out, haha! I'm truly a shop-a-holic, I love it. But now it seems that I want to do my own things, it get more personal then, hehe! Lovely, I need new things... And when the things you buy isn't fitting, you do it yourself.

From the magazine: War

My wonderful baby!

xo xo
Ciao!

A new day has begun and I feel it in my fingertips...

I can't stop thinking about some things that are rushing through my head, first of all, I feel a feeling, I've never felt before and I'm calm about it. I realise that it is exactly what it is, feelings. They are not going to harm me or destroy me, I'm taking this experience and making it to the fullest. I'm calm, yet overwealmed by a happy feeling that I'd always has had in mind like something unatainable, a thing to high to reach, it's mindblowing and to be real for a minute, I'm not even at the top yet... A slow process has been evolving in my body the last five months and now it's given me some fruit to taste, I do love it. Happiness, a feeling so exquisit and so far from where I started that it's now, some words are just to damn hard to express. So I won't do it...


Yeah, today I shopped a little too, a pair of boots which are flat (OMG, is she going to wear flat boots? It's slippery outside...), some new make-up products and of course gifts. I didn't really look for clothes, I want to create them now, it streaks my mind that I really want to create.


I have to start packing again (I've taken a break), everything has to be in the suitcase in the morning, cause even if I'm leaving in the middle of the day, I have stuff to do. Ha!


xo xo
Ciao!